March 6, 2011

E-Commerce: Why It's A Thankless Job

(Alternative title for this post: "With Apologies to Everett Jensen")

I mean this in possibly the kindest, most earnest way possible... but write-ups like these are pretty much the reason why I have an "insane ad copy" category on this blog.

The Texture gloves do WHAT?!
This wasn't my first encounter with Texture Clothing. An ecologically-minded online fashion boutique, Texture Clothing specializes in items that seem to aspire to a sort of hip yet rootsy aesthetic. And one of their best-selling products? Their patented Knit Mitts, which they also sell via the aptly-named Sock Dreams site, which is how they first came to my attention. (I won't go into extensive detail about how, let's just say TV Tropes was involved.)

Knit Mitts on SockDreams.com
Now I could go on about their unconventional hand silhouette or their pleasing selection of colors or why on Earth they cost 32 25 dollars a pop... but this isn't a knit mitts review, it's a post about insane ad copy. And when this not-so-anonymous copywriter says he loves his knit mitts, he loves his knit mitts.

the knit mitt story (AND HOW!)
I mean, holy cow! "Abscond from the palace of wisdom"? "Clutching your glass is an ecstatic experience"? "You reach for your guitar and launch into a fierce, political diatribe that you wrote to commemorate the death of some regime or other"?! What the what? You can't make this stuff up!

Purple prose aside, this essay can be summed up as thus: Poor Kid tries to write a School Paper, wears his Bleedin' Awesome Fingerless Gloves (which in fact were his roommate's) and decides to do some other Bleedin' Awesome Stuff instead. If this doesn't scream "unbelievably cool kid with a trust fund" then I don't know what does.

Don't get me wrong, I effin' love fingerless gloves something fierce. But you don't exactly see me spewing mellifluous accolades about them on the Internet for everyone to see.

*cough*

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